Why We Attract Manipulators

The Human Magnet Syndrome describes how people with codependent tendencies are often unconsciously drawn to narcissistic partners.

Why? Because one learned to overfunction, fix, prove, and earn love. The other learned to take, dominate, and exploit connection.

In queer lives, especially when identity was shaped around rejection or secrecy, this dynamic feels like fate. But it’s just conditioning — and it can be unlearned.

Growing up queer often meant hiding, adapting, pleasing. It trained many of us to read people quickly, caretake for safety, and internalize shame about our needs.

So when someone powerful, aloof, or emotionally unavailable shows interest? It lights up the part of us still desperate to be chosen.

You weren’t seeking drama. You were trying to complete a story you never got to finish as a kid.

"Attraction isn’t always chemistry. Sometimes it’s trauma recognition."

 Many queer survivors describe their toxic partner as:

• Magnetic
• Complicated
• Intense

But here’s the truth: That intensity often came from your nervous system being activated by danger it misread as passion.

Your body learned that love equals:

• Proving your worth
• Managing someone else’s mood
• Being chosen by someone who barely sees you

We can love differently. Safely. Sustainably.

Reflection Prompt:
Write down 3 qualities that drew you in. 

Then ask: did those qualities feel familiar from childhood, past trauma, or old wounds?

Instructions:
Column: 

1: Qualities you find "magnetic" 

Column:

2: Where you first experienced that feeling 

Column:

3: How it ended

This map isn’t about shame. It’s about understanding your nervous system’s love language so you can rewire it with compassion.