Civility & Control

We’ve built a world that prizes appearances over integrity.
A world where the tone of a message matters more than its truth.
Where saying “that’s not very nice” is more effective at shutting people down than any open threat.

Civility culture tells us:

• Don’t be so emotional.
• Don’t make this about identity.
• Be the bigger person.
   

But let’s be honest — who benefits when the oppressed stay polite?
When minorities are told to tone it down?
When victims are asked to forgive “with grace”?

Niceness is often just control wearing perfume.
And in queer life, it can sound like:

• “You’d be more accepted if you weren’t so flamboyant.”
• “We support you, just don’t shove it in people’s faces.”
• “Not everything has to be about being gay.”
   

When comfort becomes the standard, truth becomes the enemy.

“Civility without honesty is manipulation in drag.”

Tone policing is one of the subtlest — and most powerful — forms of control.
It redirects the focus from what is being said to how it’s being said.

You speak about injustice — and someone says you’re “angry.”
You express pain — and they call you “too sensitive.”
You set a boundary — and suddenly you’re “rude.”

Sound familiar?

This is how social systems — from workplaces to queer spaces — keep marginalized voices in check.
They reward composure, not clarity.
They praise diplomacy, not truth.
And they label authenticity as aggression.

The result?
Entire communities become fluent in emotional translation.
We learn to dress our truth in neutral tones so it’s easier to swallow.
We apologize before we even speak.

“You were never too much — you were just in a room that asked you to shrink.”

Empathy is sacred. But it’s also been weaponized.
In a culture obsessed with appearing “good,” we often mistake people-pleasing for compassion.

We call it understanding — but really, we’re self-censoring.
We call it being considerate — but really, we’re absorbing everyone else’s discomfort.

For queer folks especially, empathy can become emotional labor:

• Soothing straight fragility.
• Educating without end.
• Being the “reasonable” one in every room.
   

But here’s the truth: empathy without boundaries isn’t healing — it’s self-abandonment.
And “niceness” that asks you to minimize your truth isn’t love — it’s manipulation.

When was the last time you said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t?
Whose comfort were you protecting?

Queer people are often taught to earn safety by being pleasant.
To be the non-threatening one.
The palatable one.
The one who doesn’t make others “uncomfortable.”

But performing goodness for survival has a cost:
It disconnects us from our own anger, our own authenticity, and eventually — our own joy.

Politeness becomes a cage, not a bridge.

And what begins as emotional diplomacy ends as exhaustion.

It’s time to stop trying to be “good.”
Start being real.

“They said I was difficult. I was finally being honest.”